excited

i can't wait. it's so near. hope to see you all there then!

by the way, if you're looking out for a wish list, sorry there isn't one. you can ask me straight though.

who would you choose?

Say, a man is willing to give you $9 while another man is willing to give you $1000. Which man would you go for?

Supposing the man who's willing to give you $9 has only $10. While the man willing to give you $1000 has a million dollars. Now, is your choice still the same?

Just in one of those sophisticated moods. haha.

the man

He smiles, he talks, he jokes; just like he did four years ago.

Yet he's no longer the same. He no longer stands tall. He no longer has a tummy. He seems to have aged. He has greying hair and lesser hair. He's no longer normal. For now he's on wheels. My heart ached to see him in such a state. I thought I was gonna cry. I could hardly talk. I fought back the tears, and tried to look him in the eye as I talked to him.

For a moment, I didn't know which eye to look at. He's paralysed, the left half of him. But he still tried to be positive, telling us he's not a vegetable and how he can walk unaided.

He couldn't bear to part with us. His class was at 1930 hrs. Yet he talked to us till 2000 hrs, overshot by half an hour. Even then, he told us to go for dinner and come back at 2130 hrs, the time which his class ends. He was really happy to see us. I just felt sorry I didn't go to visit him earlier.

And my heart aches...

workworkwork

Exams ended and here comes hols. But of course can't just slack around right? So i got a job.

Working five and a half days week. can either choose 8-4.30 or 8.30-5 slot for weekdays. sat would be 8-12.30 or 8.30-1. And every other week i still got my weekend job. now that i can't work on sat, it means i have to work on Sundays 11-7. Argh!! This means that i'm working like every single day. Well, almost.

I'm so tired. I'll update again soon. See ya! :)

weakling

Maybe the moody and attitude appearance is but a facade. A mask to hide my weak and vulnerable side. *sigh* i really don't know. so much has happened and is happening. I'm not as strong as i seem. I cry. I cry alot. More so lately, almost every night.

But i'll be strong. For he needs me. Or at least i think he does.

I'll be happy. After exams, i guess, i won't be so stressed. Hopefully less screwed up too.

gone

I'm not sure.

Lately, i seem to be acting weird. Or maybe i am weird? It seems to me that i can't control myself, my temper. Maybe i'm losing my mind. Maybe i'm depressed. Maybe i'm stressed and thus irritable.

It's exam period. But exams seem to have lost its meaning to me. I don't feel the pressure to study. All that i know is that i don't wanna fail and have to repeat it next year. But i'm not doing anything about it. I sleep alot. I wake up late, around 11, have brunch and sleep till 3 or 4. I study a lil', then take a shower, have dinner, watch tv for a couple of hours before settling down to study. Then, i'll feel like chatting to a friend. But there's nobody i wanna talk to other than my boyfriend, best friend and cousin. The only available option seems to be my best friend. I'd yak away like there's no tomorrow, before going to bed soon after.

My emotions. It seems to be getting out of hand. I'm so easily irritable. Little things my bro do pisses me off. But well, it's a passing phase. I get angry easily and i get upset easily. Maybe certain things are not meant to be taken seriously. Maybe it was just a joke. Maybe i'm just stupid and those tears just come easy. By the way, "stupid" seems to be my favourite word these days. Or maybe i've limited vocab. Damn it, i'm stupid, my bro thinks i'm stupid, i think my bro's stupid (actually i don't), i think my friend is stupid, i scold my friend stupid, i describe things as stupid, well you get the idea.

I just don't know what to do. I don't wanna lose certain things. I feel lost. I may look fine. But what lies beneath that smile? I don't know.

I declare myself dead. I'm just not what i used to be.

...till i get resurrected, watch this space.

connection

Have you ever had this feeling, like you were connected to someone? Like if that person is tired, or upset, you can feel it too? I don't mean when the person is next to you. I mean, when the two of you are apart (e.g. you at your home and him at his) and the two of you are not talking or texting or anything like that. You feel upset and you think of the other party. You could feel that he's upset too.

I think i'm starting to feel it. Or maybe it was there all along, just that i did not realise.

mind

the mind is like a parachute,
it only works when it's opened.

I'm with you

Avril Lavigne
extracts
I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new

I'm looking for a place
Searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everythigns a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind